I recently had a conversation with an old boyfriend of mine (not the crazy one), who is now also happily married, and it got me thinking about God. I know it sounds weird, but while there were a number of reasons why this relationship didn't work out, his belief in God and my lack thereof was, in my opinion, the main one.
He was an active Christian, and while I describe myself as a Christian, I don't really do anything about it. I celebrate Christmas and Easter, and I guess I believe God exists, but I don't feel anything about it. And isn't that what faith is? Feeling and believing something you can't prove?
I believe in other things I can't see, like gravity (although I suppose that's provable), and love. I know I feel love towards my husband, my family, and my friends. I feel patriotism towards my country and servicemen. I will confess, I'm on the fence about pi. And this might be where my issue with God comes from.
When I was little, and we went to Church, I always thought it was an act. I really thought that all of these people in a room, listening to a sermon were pretending they felt the presence of God just like I was. Even in college, where I met a ton of Christians, I really thought that most of them were pretending, which I totally didn't understand, because I was past the point in pretending to feel something I didn't. I also don't feel a spiritual presence when I'm in nature, and I don't feel my chi when I do yoga. And I really don't consider myself an un-feeling person.
Now that I'm an adult, it doesn't make sense to me that a bunch of adults would pretend to believe in God. I mean, I think we're sort of past the social stigma that if you don't go to Church you're a bad person. So why would they all go, if they didn't believe?
But here's why I can't believe in pi. It just doesn't make sense to me that the circumference of a circle is it's diameter multiplied by 3.14. I understand that it works every time, but why are mathematicians, who work in such an exacting field, content with an answer that contains an unending, non-repeating decimal? And if there's a God, why would He create such a ridiculous math equation? If I were a god, and I were working on geometry, I'd come up with a better answer.
But now we're back to where we started, because so much of religion and faith is about seeking answers. I don't know if there's a god, and I don't know what he was thinking when he came up with pi, but I certainly know that I don't feel his presence, which I sometimes think is a shame, because Christians seem so happy to believe.