Monday, June 25, 2012

A new very short story

She placed her foot, jumped, and pivoted, performing a muddled revolate. She connected with the ball. He ran home, delighted by her timing and physicality.

This is a story in 25 words. It's actually a different scene in the same larger story as my 10-word story.

This is what I end up doing every time I try to read my magazine, The Writer. I start reading an article, am inspired to write something, spend a bunch of time youtubing videos of dance moves (I knew what the move looked like, but not what it was called), and then write a blog post. I still haven't finished reading about Paper Lantern Lit.

This doesn't say exactly what I want it to say. I've been debating the placement of the and in the first sentence. I thought about: She placed her foot, jumped, pivoted, and performed a muddled, revolate. But I wanted to make it seem like two separate actions were occurring in a very short time frame. And I'm not sure if three sentences are too choppy for such a short amount of writing. I also wanted to include a second adjective, sloppy, to describe the revolate, but I couldn't figure out any other word that could be removed besides home, and just he ran seems like a silly thing to say. And I wanted to express that the "he" in the story is giddy with excitement about this girl, but he wouldn't be giddy by her timing and physicality. He could be made giddy by her response (like if he asked her on a date and she said yes), but it doesn't really work in this format. And his being giddy, while important, is secondary to her athleticism. (You're going to have to trust me on this one.)

Please let me know if you have any suggestions on this one.


  1. It took me a long time to get the mental image right; first I was stuck on dancing, then on baseball (and I couldn't figure out what a bat had to do with things). But now I'm guessing that this was some crazy-ass soccer kick? I'm not sure I'm helping here.

    1. See? I need help! The move, revolate, is a ballet move. But it's a jumping, spinning leap of sorts (ballet teachers are cringing at my description). We had to do this in one of my college dance classes and it was a really powerful move. Or at least it was to me. Anyway, since you're leaping through the air, spinning, I thought it would be interesting to use to change the trajectory of a soccer ball (yes, my imagination is very strange). Because ballet dancers can leap VERY high. And because I'm against heading a soccer ball--it causes mild concussions.

      And you're definitely helping...if nothing more, you've pointed out how unclear my writing is!

    2. And did you watch the youtube video (linked to the word revolate)? Maybe that would have helped?