Friday, August 5, 2011

Confessions from the inept

Today I'm working from home.  And because I'm an uber-dork, and I don't want to cheat my company of any time, but also because I don't want to work any more than what I get paid for, I time myself.  So you can relax, this is all off the clock, so to speak. 

So I was uninspired to read more about how self-checkout kiosks work, which, I have to say is less than riveting, and when a friend of mine was here last week, I discovered that I own red eyeliner.  Okay, technically, it's cranberry.  So, I thought, what's a more logical break from work than playing with eyeliner?  Nothing!

First, let me clarify.  I did not buy the red eyeliner.  My mother tests products for Clinique, and they give her free samples of all sorts of stuff, and one of the samples was red eyeliner.  I don't actually ever buy makeup because of this arrangement, which is nice.  Anyway, the red eyeliner is sort of a foam paintbrush, which is an interesting application method because, and I'm sure I'm using all of the correct jargon in explaining this, as you drag it over your skin, the center of the line is actually lighter in color than the edges of the'll find this in art when the paintbrush is wrong for the type of paint you're using.  Or maybe I just have problems.  So, to begin with, the application process is not particularly even.

Then there's the question of what else you're supposed to do.  On one eye, I tried using blends of gray and silver eyeshadow.  In retrospect, I'm not sure what I was thinking, other than that the shade of red was sort of metallic-y, and I didn't think it would work well with the bronze shades of eyeshadow I own.  And I was afraid if I used the greens, I'd just look like a Christmas wreath.  As it turns out, gray and silver were the wrong choices.

Logically, I tried the bronzes on the other eye.  It looked better, but still not in a wear-out-of-the-house sort of way.  And let's face it, I'm not about to put on makeup to sit on my sofa and watch Game of Thrones or True Blood.

So then I thought I'd google "red eyeliner," and lo and behold, a picture of Rihanna showed up (along with a whole bunch of pictures of Goth and least I'm prepared for Halloween). And then I even found a blog that told me how to get this look on my own.  Of course, it involved a whole lot of product that I don't own, but I figured, it's only me in the house, so it's not like I'm going to scare anyone.

So, grew a third eye. 

No, actually I took off the gray and silver eye shadow and started over.  I noticed Rihanna had black eye liner on as well, so I did that, too.  And I don't have any red or pink eyeshadow, but I do have blush, so I tried that.  In the end, I ended up with a very dramatic eye, but I'm not sure dramatically what. 

However, the shade of cranberry is really quite fantastic, so then I thought, well, if it's safe enough to put on my eyes, it's probably safe for my lips.  Unfortunately, no.  Well, not no, as in it's unsafe for my lips.  No, as in, cranberry eyeliner looks dark gray on your lips and that's just repulsive.  And then, of course, you can't just wipe it off.  Fortunately, I own a lip exfoliant (I know, right, I don't even like to wash my face, and yet I own a lip exfoliant?).  It's Mary Kay, and I highly recommend it--the cranberry eyeliner on my lips was no match for the lip exfoliant.

At least my husband wasn't home to see the mess I made in the bathroom.


  1. You're hilarious! I remember years ago seeing pictures of Japanese models in red eyeliner, but somehow the epicanthic fold made the overall effect sultry instead of hangover-y.

  2. Yes, that and the professional stylist. I'm pretty sure that would help me look less hangover-y.